Things that make me glad my daughter isn't me

Most women say "I am not my mother" at some point in their lives. I know I have. I can also usually say "I am not my daughter" (I wish a few more women thought that while clothes shopping, but that's another post)

My daughter is nearly 20 and we do have a great many things in common. However she has very little in common with the 20 year old me. For that I am very happy. She learned a lot of stuff early, wish I had.

Confidence. She has it and has had it for most of her life. After the insecure middle school years she has had the confidence to be who she wants to be. She was voted most unique in high school because of this confidence. She wore what she wanted, listened to what she wanted and if her friends did, great, if they didn't , oh well. She didn't need anyone to tell her that her way was ok. I didn't have that sort of confidence until my 30's. I'm glad she does.

Conviction. This goes along with confidence sometimes. Susi will always stand up for what she thinks is right, even in the face of adversity. She's not afraid to live her convictions and she's not afraid of the consequences of her convictions. She has been a vegetarian since the age of 6 because she decided eating meat was cruel. She did it on her own and while I allowed her to do it and supported her, it couldn't have been easy to pass up on the happy meals and pizza her friends were having.

Focus. She gets great grades in school even while working one or two jobs at at time. I have to admit that when I first went to college I partied a bit too much. Susi never did. She knows what she wants to do and does it.

All in all she's a great kid. She's doing well in her life and I'm happy that we have reached that stage where I don't have to be mom all the time. I don't believe in being my kids' friend when I have to be mom. They can make their own friends when growing up, but they can't make their own parents. That was my role. As Susi gets older our roles are evolving. Now we can do things and hang out and have fun. Sometimes I get to be her friend. Not all the time. She still needs a mom too.




Back to confidence - she has the confidence to be seen in public in a balloon dress and the charisma to convince a friend to wear one too.

didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it

Dear Mom & Dad,

I used to have a lot of sibling rivalry with my brother. You never understood why. Neither did I. Then I thought about it. I don't feel that way towards Bryan anymore. It never was his fault. Now I'm giving you 7 reasons why I resented him for so long. Maybe by the end you'll understand why I thought I was angry at him, and who I was really angry with deep down inside.

1. You never call to see how I am doing. You call to complain about my brother or to get me to do something for my brother. If I don't call you then you will go as long as 3 months without calling me. My son almost died a couple of weeks ago. As of today I have not had a call from you asking how he's doing.

2. When Bryan had kids you forgot my kids existed. Well, not really, but you did forget their birthdays and lost most interest in interacting with them. When Bessie was a baby and we went to Papaw's house, you (mom) only held her twice over the whole week. You kept running around taking picture after picture of my nephew and you're only real comment on Bessie was "she cries a lot".

3. During the ice storm we were without power and being self employed we were without a paycheck. I asked if you could loan me money to put the kids in a hotel until we go the money we were due in a week. You said no, you couldn't afford it. That same week you sent my brother money to pay his rent. He was living in Sunny Alabama with his girlfriend, having abandoned his wife and kids.

4. One Thanksgiving you canceled plans to visit us saying that you couldn't get enough time off of work. Instead you went to Bryan's house (still in Alabama). You didn't tell me. Matter of fact you didn't even call on Thanksgiving. When I tried to call you it just rang and rang. The thing is I knew where you were even before you told me. Knowing didn't ease the feelings of abandonment though. It hurt and it pissed me off.

5. Daddy, you have not seen my kids in nearly a decade. We've been too poor for a lot of that time to take off and visit you with all 4 kids in tow. We needed the paycheck. The last time you saw Bessie she was an infant and Susi was 10. Bessie is a 4th grader and Susi is a sophomore in college. Tommy was in Kindergarten and Teddy had short hair. Tommy is 6'2", Teddy's hair is nearly down to his waist and you could walk by them on the street and not know who they are. You're not a part of their lives and this makes me very sad. I loved my Papaw and he always took time for me. I wanted the same for my kids. Hell, I even named one of them after you. Don't say that the kids could call you and that it works two ways. They are (were) kids and it's the adult's responsibility to make them feel special.

6. Arkansas and Missouri are not that far apart. You always manage to visit AR and never make it here. When Susi and I planned to go to Georgia for Thanksgiving this year, you moved Thanksgiving to Arkansas. We're not going there. She wanted to see you without the drama that exists between you and Bryan. She wanted to see you without cousins in tow.

7. Whenever I tell you something about my brother you make excuses for him. He doesn't have custody of his kids, he lives alone....HE COULD GET A SECOND JOB. You don't have to send him $$. He can work. If he wants custody of his kids he CAN CALL THE LAWYER. He's a big boy and you can't fix all of his problems anymore.

There are 1000 more examples I could give you. 1000 more little pin pricks that are the symptom, but not the cause of the pain I feel about our relationship. If you haven't figured out how I feel from this post then you never will, no matter how many examples I give you. Basically I felt less important than my brother as a kid and that hasn't changed much. But still, I wouldn't change places with him for anything.

Bryan spent over 20 years as a drug addicted, occasionally incarcerated alcoholic. He made his own bad choices and fucked up his own life - but you made it so easy for him to do so. When he screwed up. When he stole from you. When he stole from the neighbors...you made excuses. He's bi-polar, he's got ADHD, alcoholism is a disease and runs in our genes. blah blah blah I have the same gene pool as he does and a bit of an addictive personality. I chose not to drink, I chose not to do drugs because I didn't want to fuck my life up. Bryan made different choices and he's paid the price. He's been clean and sober now for a couple of years and I'm proud of him.

I'm also worried about him. His addictions are pretty straight forward. He drinks and he likes drugs. He'll tell you he likes them, but knows enough now not to take them. Your addiction is a bit more difficult. He's your addiciton. You have to be in his life full force. Arguing, fixing...there all the time. He moved to Arkansas to start anew. Now you're moving there too. I worry that you are going to destroy his sobriety. I've said it but you just have reasons as to why that won't happen. Let me say it again. LEAVE HIM ALONE SO THAT HE CAN STAY SOBER. I know it's his choice not to drink and whatever else he does, but a lot of stress can make that choice much harder to make.

No, I wouldn't change places with Bryan for anything.

I wouldn't change places with you either. You don't know it, but you've lost a lot. My children are beautiful, interesting people. I'm pretty interesting myself. You've missed out on a lot of stuff.


to end this where it started.

I didn't cause this situation. I don't know why you chose to favor him so strongly. I used to think it was because I was less somehow. I wasn't.

I can't control this. You're going to be who you're going to be until you decide to change.

I can't cure this. I can only fix the way I choose to handle it. I've gone from hurt to angry and that's drifting into acceptance. It will never be an ok situation, but I have so many beautiful things in my life that I shouldn't waste energy on the things I can't change.

Why write it on my blog? Because you don't seem to hear me when I try to talk to you about it.

LOL Cats

more animals

For the most part my family claims to dislike LOL cats. I love them. The random absurdity that goes into making an LOL cat brightens my day. It's cute, funny and nobody gets harmed.



May got me turned onto failblog.org too. It's sometimes cute, usually funny, but I can't say that nobody gets harmed. People do stupid things to themselves all the time. Always have, but now with so many recording devices at our fingertips we know about it more often.

Boy shoots himself with uzi?!?

WTF????

An 8 year old is dead after some moron let him fire off an uzi. His 8 year old arms were not strong enough to control the powerful weapon and he ended up blowing his brains out. What sort of lower life form thinks that it's ok to let a small child handle a powerful weapon??? I won't get into adults owning and using guns, but no matter what your stance on the subject is I hope you agree that safety comes first. Children and guns are not a good mix. Even if you condone hunting, and uzi exists only to hunt one thing. Is that really something a kid needs to be experiencing?

geez, people disgust me.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/10/27/boy.shoots.himself.ap/index.html

KCMSD

Summary of District Proposals (October 17, 2008)

1. Management rights clause included in the contract, which gives all rights to the District with the exception of those that are contained in the collective bargaining agreement. Many of the rights in our 2005-08 contract eliminated.

2. Contract provisions that are gone, removed, eliminated:
· Your right to send a student to the office for a violation of the Code of Conduct;
· Your right to Union representation when called in for disciplinary action;
· ER & D (the classroom management training provided for new teachers by our own Union members);
· Air quality;
· All guidelines on the hiring, evaluating, or firing of athletic coaches or extra-pay positions (you’re at the mercy of the administration);
· Requirement to provide a secretary for every three counselors;
· Use of libraries;
· Teacher travel;
· Layoff/recall of probationary teachers; and
· Teacher evaluation committee.

3. The guarantee to have enough supplies and instructional materials for your students removed from the contract.

4. No longer guaranteed three days to submit report cards or grades.

5. No limits on the number of PA interruptions to your classroom.

6. Your protection to be free from public criticism/reprimands deleted.

7. No workday language – there are absolutely no workday guidelines.
· Administration can require you to remain at work as many hours as they want (10, 12, 14 hours per day).
· Your lunch break can be reduced or eliminated.
· Planning time can be used for whatever the administration wants.
· You could be assigned supervisory duties all day.
· After-school meetings, open houses, faculty meetings, professional development can be scheduled anytime, everyday, before/after your workday with no additional pay.

8. No language on transfers, assignments, or reorganization. It’s up to management.
· You can be transferred anytime, anywhere.
· Seniority eliminated for transfers, assignments, reorganization.
· Reorganization (which now must be completed during the first quarter) can be done anytime during the school year.

9. The Superintendent has the final say on all grievances. The Union has won every arbitration we have filed. But with the District’s proposal, the Superintendent could overturn those arbitrations.

10. Compensation offer of $750.00 on 12/15/08 and $750.00 on 5/19/09 (this is a bonus and does not count toward your retirement). No steps, no longevity pay, no pay for subbing on planning time (you could sub for free), and no salary schedules. Your pay could be decreased next year.
11. Termination of contract and negotiations resumed upon a finding by the School Board by a 2/3 vote that an emergency exists.

12. Publication of our contract no longer paid for by the District.

13. Our right to place Union literature in your boxes and to have a bulletin board at each school eliminated.
________________________________________________________________________

Although the District had signed off on a tentative agreement on summer school (containing language on compensation, assignment, and substitution during planning time), the District did not include this tentative agreement in their proposal package of October 17, 2008.


from mo.aft.org/691

Pain

May at May's Machete recently posted a short bit about labor pain that seemed to stir people's urge to comment. I know I did. She also got me thinking about pain I have experienced. I did say in my comment that labor pain was bad - really, really bad. I can also add that it's not the worst pain I have ever known. Even at the worst, 24 hours in I was able to make some clear choices. When they came to prep me for surgery the nurse asked if I wanted spinal or general. A large part of me wanted to scream "put me to sleep already!!!!", but the mature part of me remained in control enough to ask which was better for the baby. I was still able to make a rational choice despite the pain.

I've had stitches and a broken wrist, various sprains and even been in a couple of car accidents, but the worst pain I have ever felt was when I got burned.

During a point where we needed a new hot water heater, but didn't have the cash for one I would heat up water with a pressure cooker for baths etc. One day I let the pot on longer than I planned. While I did release the pressure before opening the pot I didn't know the water had become super heated. Have you ever seen that experiment on tv where they superheat water and it vaporizes when anything acts as a catalyst? It's a reason not to heat water in the microwave. It's also a very cool experiment - from a distance. Apparently a drop of cold water rolled into the pot of superheated water and it all went straight to steam. Well, most of it did, there was 1/2 inch left in the pot later. I was burned from fingertip to elbow on the back of both arms with some splashing on my face and neck. Thankfully none got on my oldest daughter who was standing nearby. She panics a lot and was dancing around screaming. ( I think she was 15 at the time) Oddly enough for the first few seconds I didn't feel any pain. It seems like it was a couple of minutes, but I doubt that. I was calm enough to tell her to get out of the way, I needed to get my shirt off since it was soaked with boiling water and get my arms into some cold water. Shortly there after the pain hit. We didn't have medical insurance, but I do have friends who are nurses, so I didn't go to the ER. I kept it clean and bandaged and they helped me watch for any sign of infection. The pain was unbearable. Even with some vicodin scored from a friend (didn't ask why she had them, didn't care) I was in intense pain. It was an ugly mess of huge blisters and raw ooozy skin. One blister covered the entire back of my left hand and was about 1 1/2 inches high. I don't remember a lot from those first few days except pain and knowing that if cutting my arms off would stop it, I would have gone looking for a saw. To this day I still don't have words to describe the feeling. None are strong enough. I can't begin to imagine what people who have had worse burns go through. I don't want to imagine it.

I healed. The skin on my arms is odd, but isn't really scar tissue. Unless you look closely you won't notice it at all. It's thinner and wrinkles more and gets dry very easily, but my arms healed well. I can't say the same for my mind. I still won't touch a pressure cooker and my body reacts strongly when I am too close to a hot surface. It's work to force my arms into the oven to take out a pan, even when I am wearing oven mitts. I also get very upset when I hear about someone else who was burned, especially a child. I have had a tiny glimpse into what many of them go through. Anyone who has lived through a serious burn and recovered enough to be any sort of functioning person had my respect and admiration.

Moving

We've moved the store. Not far, just one door over - so we're still easy to find. The old space was 'cozy'. The new one is just about 3x the size at 340 square feet. I'm just about through putting everything away and I'm not sure how I fit everything into the old space. It's kinda like one of those foam mattresses that the compress into a box. Open the box and whoosh, it's huge. At least now we have space for some cool displays. I'm also going to do a bit more retail. Not regular balloon on a string - I'm opposed to doing that, but cool balloons that you don't see other places. I'm also adding some gifts to the mix.

This week I have to get the sign up.

stop by and see me. I like company! :-)

Have you ever been poor?

I mean really poor? I haven't. All the crying and carrying on about the economy has gotten me thinking about being poor. I've been broke. I've been down to the last 5 cans of soup in the cupboard and no money for gas, but I've never been truly poor. Even when I felt that I was, I had my 5 cans of soup and a friend who would loan me $5 for gas. There have been a lot of times my kids didn't have the newest whatzit. My oldest will tell you that she feels better for it. She's almost 20 and has a job, a house, a good boyfriend and gets great grades in college. Many of her friends have always had the newest and shiniest whatzits. They never had to try for what they wanted. She did, so now while her friends flounder or continue to live off the parental gravy train, she flourishes. Again, she's never been truly poor either. We live in a new shiny whatzit society. Lots of people confuse lack of whatzits with poverty.

There are people who are truly poor. They've eaten their 5 cans of soup, the power has been shut off and they don't know if they will be able to get it back on, much less pay rent. These people live a lot closer to you than you might think. It's been a warm fall, but the weather is going to change. Even with global warming, it will be cold at some point this winter. There are people around you who will feel an overwhelming sadness because they can't provide for their kids. I'm talking about the working poor. People who work hard, but don't earn enough for the basics in life. They make too much for government assistance, and too little to get by. These people are the ones who send their kid to school in clothes that are too worn or thin for the weather. You can help them. You should help them. Contact your local public schools and talk to the counselors. Ask for the sizes of kids who may need a new coat or some gloves. The counselors will make sure the kids get them, without making them feel like a charity case.

That last part is kinda important to kids. Being a poor kid is hard enough without everyone reminding you that you're poor. At our school the counselor will simply tell kids something like "I found this and it looks like it will fit you. Put it on before you go out to recess." I met a principal from Springfield once who used a backpack. He gave kids a backpack full of stuff that they could take home to their family. He just used regular backpacks, not the same one over and over. The other kids on the bus didn't have to know what was in the backpack and likely never thought about it. It was a lifesaver to many families because food stamps don't cover toilet paper and shampoo.

Give to the food banks and groups when you can. Help a kid if you can. And if you still have those 5 cans of soup, be thankful that you're not poor.

I didn't buy the title at first, but watch it and you'll see

Sometimes they creep in

Negative people are like spiders. No matter how hard you try to block their entrance, one or two will eventually slip past. I'm terrified of spiders, so I notice them pretty quickly. (much screaming and panic dancing ensues shortly afterwards) negative people are another story. They tend to wiggle their way in and I don't even notice until I find myself channeling their behaviors or attitudes. I'm not saying that I'm not responsible for my own choices and actions. I most certainly am. Still, I think most people will incorporate the behaviors of those they spend time with. A fitting in mechanism.

Negativity is like a toxin that seeps in and poisons your system. It's also easier to deal with than blind optimism and forced cheerfulness. Those wear you out. Negative people are more subtle and it's easier to complain than it is to cheer. At least it seems that way at first. After awhile you notice the constant tiredness that comes from seeing things as half empty or gray and dismal. The depression that comes from constantly complaining and never finding joy in what lies around. Then you become the negative person who spreads the toxin to others. Worse yet, you attract other negative people who support and understand your behavior.

Life is too short for that.

At least there is hope. With spiders you can gently show them the door (knowing they will come back) stomp them, or poison them. It's the same with negative people. You can try to explain to them that you just can't deal with this right now. They will leave for awhile, but they will come back eventually. you can stomp them emotionally. this will keep them away, but proves to them that their point of view is correct. Everyone DOES suck. The last option is how I choose to handle them. Not an actual poison, even if it's tempting. By choosing not to engage in their behaviors and focusing on your own life you poison your relationship with them. Negative people don't like people who are happy and successful. It just makes them feel worse about themselves. Didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it. I learned that from Narc-Anon. I use it a lot in my daily life. If I did cause it or I can control it, then I will try to cure it. Otherwise I have to let it go and not dwell on it.

Now having said all this I won't try to convince you that I am the happy sunshiny bunny of love. I am most certainly not. I can be kinda bitchy and I'm sometimes too honest for my own good. (never ever ask me if that shirt/dress/whatever looks good. I will tell you) What I am is someone who doesn't usually complain just to hear myself whine. If I complain, I try to fix what I am complaining about. I am usually positive, I try to find something worthwhile in everything that happens. Usually. Lately I've been complaining to complain and that has to stop.

A good sign of bad behavior is when Dan and I fight more often. He's pretty easy going but given to really dumb behaviors. (book smarts, no common sense) When I find myself losing patience because he did something dumb, but it really makes no difference in the long run....then it's time to examine my own behaviors. We've been married 21 years. I can normally put up with his stuff *IF* I am ok with myself. I haven't been, so it's time to fix that. I didn't notice the spiders creeping in and happily joined them in the chorus of "this all sucks". Time for a new song.

Smarty Pants

Smarty Pants and the Lovely Miss Denna are two of my favorite balloon world entertainers. So I'm putting one of their videos on here. For more go to www.smartypantsworld.com

Ugly Christmas Sweater Contest

There are people in our lives that secretly hate us. You can tell because for Christmas you get ugly Christmas Sweaters. Big, glitzy, gaudy, overdone confections of red, green and white. Sometimes blue and or brown depending on how much sky and how many reindeer. You can tell the giver secretly hates you because
1. the gift is amazingly ugly
2. even if you like it you would have to wait a year to wear it since Christmas is over by the time you open presents.

Stephanie from Sage & Daisy and I want to see who owns the ugliest Christmas Sweater in the Kansas City area. There is $$ and prizes in it for you if you're brave enough to be photographed in the sweater. $50 to be exact. (25 cash and 25 gift certificate) Oh and you get a Certificate suitable for framing that announces to the world that you own the ugliest Christmas Sweater in Kansas City.

How to enter...
1. Rescue that old Christmas sweater from the back of the attic, garage, basement, dog house...whatever.
2. Get a picture of yourself in it. Wear glasses or a bag over your head if you don't want people to know it's you.
3. Stop by the shops at 4126 Pennsylvania, KCMO (in Westport by Californo's) Sage & Daisy is Suite 3 and Oh Wow!! is Suite 5. Fill out an entry form (or email me and I'll send you one)
4. Do this before November 30th

Entry is easy and you don't have to buy anything.

How to win...
1. Have or make the ugliest sweater Kansas City has ever seen.
2. Vote for yourself often and have friends vote too. Voting is done by making a donation to the Marine's Toys for Tots program. Each entrant will be given a number and their picture displayed in the shop windows. To vote bring a NEW, UNWRAPPED toy in. Write the #5 of the person you are voting for on a sticker or paper that's taped to the toy. Person who gets the most toy votes wins. (and so do some kids)
3. Vote between December 1st and December 15th.

The winner will be announced on December 16th.

When you're voting keep in mind something I saw on the Toys for Tots website. They always run out of toys for babies and kids over 7 - especially tweens and teens. Most toys are in the 3-7 year age range. Cheap mp3 players and cd players count as toys for teens. So do makeup kits.

Enter once, enter often - vote as many times as you want. Prepare to be laughed at. maybe win something. It'll be fun, you know you want to play along!

I am seriously wierded out

A woman came and parked in front of the shop today. Not unusual, after all it is a busy parking lot. she sat in the car for about 10 min. kinda watching me. then she turned off her car and went to Murrays. Came back and was openly staring at me from her car. Made a few calls, kept staring. Read a magazine and kept staring. Watched me no matter where I walked to. Finally after 1 hour 15 min she left.

Middle aged 45-55 maybe. Blondish shorter hair. Fat, over 280 if I had to guess. Drives a mini van. Why she was staring at me I don't know, but she gave off serious crazy vibes, so I didn't get close enough to find out. I was very very happy when she left.

One Bus at a time

I'm tired of calling the Metro offices with reports of bus drivers running red lights. I'm not talking about pushing it on yellow, I mean flat out running a red light. I don't even bother calling about their other behaviors. It's a waste of time. From now on I will post details about it. At least then there will a record of sorts. I suspect that the Metro people don't keep records of bad behavior.

October 8, 2008 7:04 pm

Bus # 25 ran the red light at the corner of Troost and 39th, right by the metro station. The light was green on 39th when the bus went barreling through headed North on Troost.


If you have any bus incidents send them to me and I'll add them here. Make sure to get the bus number, date and time. Complaints are no good if they are vague.

More people in my neighborhood

but these kind don't make me want to sing any Sesame Street songs.

1. The very bad mother driving a silver Lexus yesterday in the early afternoon. I didn't get her name but she has a 4 year old daughter with short dark brown hair and a 18 month old son named Liam.

She's a bad mother because she appeared to be stoned. If she wasn't stoned then she is too stupid to be allowed to keep kids. She didn't watch them. The daughter spent all the time watching the boy. At one point she took the kids to the bathroom. We have a bathroom in the center that is only accessible from the sidewalk. After the kids went it was mom's turn. Mom put the kids on the sidewalk and shut the door with her on the inside, them on the outside. In Westport. With nobody she new out there with the kids. She was in there for 8 min 23 seconds. I think she thought I was going to watch the kids for her. I would have if she had asked. She didn't. She just put them on the sidewalk and shut the door. Of course even if she had asked, she doesn't know anything about me. I'm a balloon artist, I love kids. So do pervs. I'm not one of those, but making balloons isn't all that hard and it's a good way to get to kids - so I'm sure there are kiddie perv balloon artists out there. Mom had no way of knowing if I was one of them.

I wanted to tazer her but officer Cutie didn't have a tazer and he wouldn't shoot her. By the time he got there she was already in her suv getting ready to abandon her kids someplace else.

2. Crazy women

There are lot of those here, but I am referring to the kind that is attracted only to married men. Dan has one, and now my shop neighbor David has one too. Stephanie and I think it's hysterical. Hell, most days we would gift wrap the hubbies for the nut job women who want them. Crazy chics don't know this. They think they are so sly by flirting in front of us or making odd calls in the middle of the night.

Dan's crazy has been quiet for a few months, so I won't mention her name. However if she starts up again I will happily put her name and photo all over Westport. I love Dan and can see her attaraction. However, the way to his heart is NOT by calling me at 2am and saying crazy shit. I wish she would call his cell phone at 2am. Between 1am and 6am I only want to sleep. I'll defend my man's honor after 6, preferrably after coffee.

Dave's crazy just showed up. Today there was a big woman with red hair sitting in her car smoking and staring at Stephanie and me. Odd enough behavior. Then when Dave made an appearance, she jumped out of the car and waddled on over to talk to him. Several times in the conversation she referred to Stephanie as she. Keep in mind that Stephanie was closer to the crazy chic than David. Also, it's good to note that the woman has met Stephanie before and knows that she, not Dave, owns the store. By refusing to speak to Stephanie and using she instead of a name, I guess he was erasing wife from the man of her dreams.

Dave in true man fashion seemed pretty unaware that the crazy was in love with him.

Can't wait to see what happens next. I love crazies.

Where's the Beef(cake)?????

I decided to take a page from Tony's book. He puts pictures of half dressed women with nearly every entry. Why not a little eye candy for the ladies. I set out to find photos to 'repurpose' for my tired post.

People do NOT take enough semi-nude pictures of hot guys. Nude and engaged in acts I won't post - yeah, lots of those. But semi-nude. Nope. We need more pictures of hot guys that are SFW.

I'm tired

Not just my normal tired of this, tired of that. I mean fall asleep where I am standing tired. I don't normally get this way and i need to get over it. I don't have time for tired. I have a LOT of stuff to do this week and I can sleep next week.

maybe I should make some coffee