Friday, January 16, 2009

my vacation

I gave fair warning. 

Dan frequently will passive aggressively over ride my punishments with the kids.  He doesn't out right say "don't do what you mother says"  He says "I guess you have to do what she says, but Stacey you are being very unfair and I wouldn't do it that way."  

I'm sick of that shit, so the other night I told him I was done.  He could deal with the kid in question.  I'm tired of always being the bad guy.  I make rules, he makes it ok for them to break the rules.  So, now when the kid starts hounding me for extra permissions or to get out of a punishment I am directing them to their father.  He doesn't like this very much.  Told me that I just can't divorce myself from responsibility.

Yes I can.  Already did it.  Unless someone is in danger he can handle the daily crap that comes with having several kids.  I don't have to be on call for it.  Actually I am directing ALL of their 150000000000 daily phone calls his way.  Mom is on vacation this week- maybe this month - at least until I feel rested.  When Bessie breaks the no soda after 6pm rule and is up until 3am it will be with Dad and not me.  When he steps in a giant puddle of pee (great dane) because a boy didn't walk the dog - dad can yell instead of me.  When they bicker I get to say "talk to your dad".  

I can't take a permanent vacation, I am still their mom, but a short one will do me some good.  Might do their dad some good too.  Might do my sons' future wives some good too.  

I started this a couple of days ago.  It's working well for me, don't think Dan is liking it much though.  I don't think he realized why I have strict rules about certain things.  He  just flashes back to his shrieking harpy of a mother and wants to protect his kids from that.  I'm not her - she controlled every aspect of their lives to an insane degree.  I just want the kids to grow up and be productive members of society who don't live off of me or the government.   Sometimes that means saying "you can't use the computer for 2 weeks because you are getting bad grades in history".  or "you didn't take the trash out and we missed trash day AGAIN - you're grounded until next trash day.  Take the trash out then and you'll be ungrounded."  (boy missed trash day a LOT last year)  My rules aren't insane, but Dan wants to be the good guy and I don't think he knows what he's doing really isn't good.

For the record I have used some insane punishments - but while odd, they did work.  When the kids were younger I would do more personalized punishments.  For Tommy, my junk food junkie, it was no processed sugar of any kind.  Nothing that has processed sugar in it - including bread.  He could have meat, veggies, milk and so on.  For Teddy, who doesn't eat much junk food, it was "you will eat pop tarts for breakfast every day for the next week."  For Susi it was only being allowed to listen to bagpipe music while we were in the car.  No choosing her radio station, just bagpipe music. (I like bagpipes, she's always hated them)  Bessie is reaching that age, not sure exactly what it will be for her.  Probably sugar like Tommy.  She takes after him in that respect.  Dan was always ok with the odd punishments, it's the 'normal person' ones that he finds fault with.

1 comment:

Demosthenes said...

My mom and dad had two rules for parenting, which they passed onto us:

Always let your kids know you love them and always present a united front. If you disagree with the punishment or actions taken by the other, discuss it privately.

There need to be consequences for bad behavior. Kids need boundaries and expectations. And love, of course, the most important of all.

Sounds to me like you're doing it right. But you need some backup.